Family Guy: Moe Money, Moe Problems
by Queen of the Sacred Flames
Summary: Slight crossover w/ Labyrinth. Meg, tired of babysitting Stewie, accidently wishes him away to the goblins; Peter economically destroys Quahog; Celebrity guest stars, Simon Cowel bashing, action, suspense, drama...in otherwords, what Hollywood is lacking


**AN**: Hi folks! This is my first Family Guy fic, I wrote it just for fun, so easy on the flames please! It's a sort of crossover with Labyrinth. Just changed the title from 'Family Guy: Labyrinth of the Heart', which sounded too much like a mushy romance, which this isn't. Warning: some mild yoai later in the fic.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Family Guy or the celebrities mention within this fic, they are owned by their respective owners.

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Family Guy

_**Moe Money, Moe Problems…**_

* * *

It was a typical evening at the Griffin household: Chris and Brian were out, Meg was in the living room watching TV and Stewie was sitting on the floor before her playing blocks with Rupert.

"Oh Rupert I'm such a naughty boy, look at what I spelled." And Stewie showed his beloved bear he cleverly arranged his ABC blocks so they spelt 'POOP'.

And Lois and Peter were preparing to go out to dinner. "Meg, I need you to watch Stewie while we're out." said Lois as she adjusted her earrings.

"What?! Mom why do I always have to babysit Stewie? Can't Chris do it for once?" Meg complained.

"Meg, remember the last time we let Chris watch Stewie?"

_

* * *

_

Flashback:

Lois and Peter walk in, "Oh my god!" the whole house is a mess, as though a party had exploded in the house.

Chris walks in and said, "Okay, mom, dad, this isn't as bad as it looks, but I can tell for sure that it had nothing to do with me and my friends experimenting what happens when you give a baby Red Bull and sugar as a science project."

Above, Stewie was swinging from the chandelier like a crazed monkey, squealing "Red Bull gives you wings! Watch me fly!" and he let's go and smashes into a wall, sliding down and hitting the floor in a heap.

Then Peter realized something, "Since when do we have a chandelier?"

* * *

"And besides, it's not as though you're dating anybody." Lois reasoned.

"How do you know?! You never ask me." Meg pouted.

"Okay then, you dating anybody?"

"Uh, yeah, his name is…" Meg scrambled to think up a name, "John Finkle…uh, Himer…. Burg… Son."

"John Finklehimerburgson?" Peter entered in his suit. "Wasn't that the son of the guy that moved away, something about there being skeletons in his closet… or was it his basement? We went to their barbeque once; really good burgers, though he wouldn't tell me what was in them."

"Now until you start dating you're Stewie's babysitter." Lois said as she straightened out her dress.

"Do I at least get a raise in my allowance?" Meg asked.

Peter laughed heartily, "Oh Meg, you and your movies." He pats her on the head and the couple leaves.

"Oh this is so not fair!" Meg pouts.

"Hey you!" Stewie tugs on her pants leg. "I demand you put on this DVD!" Stewie waved a cartoon DVD in front of her.

"Go away Stewie!" Meg pushed him away, "This is all your fault; if you weren't a baby I wouldn't be stuck babysitting you."

"Oh wow there's some real rational thinking Meg. Yes, I purposefully crawled out of that insufferable woman's womb just to be a thorn in your side. Yes, the whole world revolves around you and your inability to have a social life."

"Stewie shut up and go away!" Meg was getting really annoyed.

"Alright that's it. I was going to watch a movie and take a nap, but now I'm going to make the rest of your night a living hell. I'm gonna torture you like I tortured Simon Cowel."

_

* * *

_

Flashback:

Stewie is electrocuting Simon in an electric chair. "Ow-Ow-Ow!" Stewie turns off the chair. "Why are you doing this?!"

"Because you voted off Susan Boyle!" Stewie yelled. "She was clearly more talented than any of them!"

"I don't control the votes!" Simon Cowel whimpered as Stewie turned up the machine again. "Ow-Ow-Ow!"

* * *

Stewie sat down and started have a tantrum. "Stop it Stewie! Stop it!" Meg tried to get him to calm down but he only got louder.

"WAH-WAH!" Stewie screamed as Meg tried to pick him up and comfort him.

"Stewie stop crying or… or…" Meg tried to think of what would scare Stewie into calming down. "Or I'll call the goblins!"

Stewie stopped, "The goblins?"

"Yeah, they're mean little monsters that kidnap babies. They'll take you all the way to the Goblin Kingdom, and you'll be stuck there forever."

Stewie contemplated this a moment, then realized, "Wait a minute, I know what you're trying to pull, you can't trick me you bloated wench. Even if that place was real it can't be any worse than this hellhole." So Stewie resumed his screaming.

"Stop it! I will call the goblins, I will!" Meg growled angrily and took Stewie up to his room and tried to tuck him in but he kept kicking. "Oh, this is hopeless!" Meg walked to the door and said, "Wish the goblins would take you away, right now." And she slammed the door shut and suddenly Stewie was silent. "Stewie? Stewie, why aren't you crying?" She opened the door to Stewie's room and in his crib was a wiggling lump under the blanket. Meg hesitated, and tore the blanket off…

Nothing, Stewie was gone.

"Stewie?" Meg saw something move in the corner of her eye and whirled around, nothing. Behind her, something snickered. She spun around and saw it duck down behind the changing table. Shadows were scuttling across the walls. Were there goblins in the house? No there couldn't be, could there?

Suddenly the window flew open and a great white owl flew in. Meg covered her eyes, for fear it might gouge her eyes out like on those animals-gone-wild shows. When nothing happened, Meg lowered her hands and saw that the owl had transformed into a man; a handsome man with long, spiky blonde hair, two different colored eyes, his black cloak swirling in the wind.

"I am Jareth the Goblin King; I have freed you from that awful screaming child." Jareth said, as though he had done a great service to Meg. "He is now in my castle at the center of the Labyrinth, if you want him back-" But Jareth then realized Meg wasn't listening, she was instead staring at his skin-tight tights. Grossed out, he teleports her to the beginning of the labyrinth.

Meg looked around at her new surroundings, stone walls gripped by vines and lichens, "Well, I guess this beats another night of basic cable." And she got started on her journey through the labyrinth.

* * *

Meanwhile, Peter and Lois were parking in front of the restaurant.

"See, Lois, I told you if I drove around the block 20 times a spot would open up." Peter said as he and Lois got out of the car.

"Well lets just get inside, we're going to be late for our reservation." said Lois.

They were no more than two feet from the car when suddenly Mort pulled up in his new car.

"Sweet ride Mort." Peter admired the new car.

"Thanks, I won her in an Environmental Conservation contest," said Mort, "We went without electricity and ate grass clippings from the mower for 3 months, not a pleasant experience at all. But it was worth it for this car, the Toyota Al Gore."

"Wow, I never heard of a car named after a president," said Peter.

Behind him a guy coughed, "(cough-cough) Lincoln (cough-cough)"

Lois realized, "Peter, Al Gore wasn't a president."

Soon other people were gathering around Mort and his new car, admiring its aerodynamic design and all the gadgets.

"Wish I had a cool electric car," mumbled one guy. "All I do to conserve the environment is install solar panels on the roof, replace my house insulation with soy-based insulation, and plant trees."

"Well, look on the bright side," said a woman next to him, "At least you don't have that sorry gas-guzzling-hunk-of-junk car." She pointed to Peter and Lois's car. Everyone except Lois was laughing.

"Yeah, I'd love to see the idiots who own that piece of crap." said Peter.

"Peter, that piece of crap is _our_ car." Lois said.

"Oh…"

In the restaurant, Peter mumbled, "Stupid Mort and his stupid car with its stupid…"

"Peter, just try to enjoy your meal," said Lois. "Because right now you're tangling your spaghetti,"

Peter then noticed that grinding his fork in contempt had knotted his once delectable spaghetti into a large pasta knot. "Stupid Mort and his stupid spaghetti-wrecking car…"

"But I certainly don't blame you," Lois sympathized. "I wouldn't mind us buying a more fuel-efficient car. Last week alone I spend $40 on only a few trips to the store. But right now we can't afford it."

"Hey I know, I'll just ask my boss for a raise." Peter said, feeling optimistic. "It shouldn't be that hard."

The next day at work…

"Uh boss," Peter confronted his boss, "You think I could have a raise to buy my family a new car?"

"Mr. Griffin," His boss said sternly, "After all the havoc you've caused this brewery for the past year I wouldn't give you a raise even to save your first-born son."

"Uh, that's okay cuz all I want is a new car."

"The answer is still no."

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

In the breakroom…

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

In the bathroom…

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

In the boss's office…

"Please?"

"Mr. Griffin, for the last time—No!!"

"Okay, I think I know what you want," Peter took off his clothes and laid across her desk, "Keep in mind I'm doing this for my family, not because I have any secret lust for you like in those sexy office pornos I occasionally purchase."

"Get out!!"

At home, Peter grumbled, "Stupid boss, not giving me a stupid raise…"

Then Brian walked in, "Uh, Peter have you seen Meg or Stewie? It's just out of vague curiosity, not that I'm actually concerned."

"Not now Brian," Peter said. "Mort's got a cool new car and I want one too. But my boss is too hard-assed to give me a raise."

"Well Peter if you're strapped for cash you could always invest your money so that it will grow. That's how the richest 1% of the country did it."

"Brian, that's a great idea!" Peter stood up, "I'm gonna invest in the stock market!" then he realized something, "Hey wait if it's so easy to get rich that way why doesn't everybody do it?"

"Because that's what caused the Great Depression." Brian answered.

"Oh, and here I though that was caused by a shortage of Prozac,"

Later, Peter rushed down to the nearest broker, "I want to invest all I got in whatever is gonna get me rich quick."

So the broker invested all of Peter's savings and nest-egg money in a hedge fund, who invests it in sub-prime mortgages which are bought out by a bank, who sells them to a CEO, who bundles it up with toxic assets and sells them cheaply as stock to local Quahog businesses, which sends the town into an economic crisis. (insert ominous music here)

* * *

Meanwhile in the Labyrinth, Meg reached the castle at the center (What? Did you actually think I'd write about her adventure? Then I wouldn't get _any_ reviews!)

Meg, panting heavily, reaches the throne room. There on his throne was Jareth and Stewie. "Ah Meg, you've survived the journey, but you'll have to fight to get little Stewie back."

"Who gives a crap about Stewie?" Meg snapped, surprising Jareth and the goblins.

"Then why did you challenge the labyrinth?" Jareth asked.

"Because I want you!" Meg said gleefully, "Let me be your queen!"

"EW!" Jareth was revolted and transported both Meg and Stewie back to Stewie's bedroom.

"Oh…" Meg was disappointed, "Oh well, at least your safe." Meg tried to hug her baby brother when he suddenly punched her in the face.

"You stupid cow!" Stewie was livid, "I was going to be Prince. Then I would have killed off the King and crowned myself King of the Goblins. I would have had a whole army at my command. You ruined everything!" and he punches her again, knocking her out.

* * *

Meanwhile, back with Peter, he was at the Drunken Clam with his friends. Apparently the whole town was suffering and struggling in this economic meltdown. All together Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe lost 3 million dollars.

"Guys, something has to be done," Cleveland said, "I don't have enough cash to keep the deli running."

"Yeah, and all the chicks around now can't afford makeup." Quagmire said, "I can't pick up ugly chicks, they'll ruin my reputation."

"Peter this water tastes kind of funny." Joe, who was examining his drink carefully.

"Yeah it's from the toilets; it's all I could afford." Peter said, and on cue the other three spit out their water.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!!" Joe yelled.

On the TV above the bar, the news came on, "Good Afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, Diane was laid off this morning due to the economic downfall of this station. But there is good financial new today, British superstar Mick Jagger is reportedly staying at the local luxury hotel, The Golden Clam."

"Guys that's it!" Peter got an idea. "I know how we can get all our money back."

"Become rock stars?" Quagmire suggested. "Then I'll get a whole assembly line of girls, and I'll be so drugged up, I won't care what they looked like."

"Tried that already," Peter reminded him, "We're going to rob Mick Jagger!"

"Somehow this sounds like a plotline to a Fox show that's destined to be canceled." said Cleveland.

"Guys as a cop, I can't go along with this." Joe said.

"No problem Joe," said Peter. "Your wheelchair will probably hinder us anyway."

Suddenly Joe's cellphone rang; "Hello?" and he listened and answered. "Uh-huh… okay." And he hung up. "I just got laid off… Let's do this!!"

* * *

Late that night, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe snuck around to the back of The Golden Clam.

"Okay, he's the plan." Peter huddled them together. "I printed out this plan from how-to-rob-celebrities website."

"There's a website for that?" Cleveland asked.

"Of course, there's a website for everything!" Quagmire said. "Last night I found a website for sexy cheese."

* * *

Quagmire, on the computer, staring at the screen, "Giggity-giggity!" On the screen was a pair of ball gouda standing beside each other. "Who knew cheese could be hot? Hee-hee, only on the internet."

* * *

"Anyway," Peter showed them the plans. "I did the first part this morning. I disguised myself as a hotel maid and left the bedroom window unlocked. And thanks to this economic crunch, the hotel had to cut down on security. Mick's at a party somewhere, so his hotel room should be free and clear. Me, Quagmire and Cleveland will sneak in and rob whatever we can. Joe, you stay down here and keep look out."

"Alright, let's do this!" Joe yelled, but then everyone shushed him, they didn't want to get caught.

Quamire pulled out a grappling hook launcher and shot it so the hook caught the ledge of the 10th floor window. Then Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire climbed the rope up the side of the building, opened the window and crawled in.

"Hey, this was simpler that I though," Peter said.

"Its dark in here, how are we supposed to grab anything?" Quagmire asked in the pitch black room.

"Did you bring flashlights Peter?" Cleveland asked.

"Oops, heh-heh thought I forgot something." Peter said. "Look, just grab what you can, and don't make any noise."

They stumbled around, and were anything but inconspicuous.

"OW! My foot!" yelled Peter.

"Sorry Peter," said Cleveland. "Hey! Who grabbed me?"

"Strictly an accident Cleveland," Quagmire said. "This is stupid; I'm turning on the lights." And so he did, only to make a major discovery. "Oh my god!"

There, nude and tangled together in the sheets was Mick Jagger with…

"David Bowie?!" Cleveland was shocked.

"Oh crap," Peter said. "We've been caught."

"I think it's a little worse than that Peter." said Quagmire, trying to avert his eyes.

"Yeah, we've caught two rock legends in a compromising situation." said Cleveland.

"Not as compromising as you think," said Bowie, "After all, we are British." The two Brits chuckled.

"What gives? You were supposed to be at a party," Peter pointed an accusing finger at Mick. "And _you_," he pointed to Bowie, "I have no idea how you fit into all this."

"Well I was at a party," Mick explained, "Bloody dreadful, never attend anything hosted by Jimmy Fallon. He is just awful. Then I met David there and I decided to invite him to my room where we could have a party of our own."

"And we'd like to resume it if you don't mind." Bowie said.

"Aren't you two married?" Cleveland asked, "To women?"

"Your point being?" Bowie asked.

"Look, if I give you 3 million dollars, will you go away and keep this incident under the rug?" Mick offered

Peter was amazed, "Wow that is the exact amount we need…. 4 million."

"I see no reason to give you more." Mick said.

"4 million or," Peter takes out his cellphone, and takes a picture. "I'll e-mail this to every newspaper and gossip website on the internet."

"Go ahead, not like it'll faze us or anything," Mick said.

"Wouldn't be the first time we were caught together at least," Bowie laughed. "No seriously it's what ended my first marriage."

"Then I'll email it to your wives."

"Actually I'm divorced," Mick admitted, "But it still might make things a little uncomfortable."

"Yeah, Iman's open-minded, but I'll probably never hear the end of this one." David admitted. "Every night it'll be 'Who is better David, me or Mick?'"

"Who is better Davey?" Mick smirked.

"Don't start Mick."

Mick pulls out a checkbook, fills it out, and hands it to Peter.

"Wow, 4 million," Cleveland looked at the check. "What are we going to do with it?"

Peter thinks a moment, then walks over to the window and looks out at the view over Quahog and sees the many signs of the town's ailing economy (insert sad music here). He sees businesses closing down, families moving out of their homes, homeless people begging for food, and then he sees Lois on the road with their gas-gullet car.

"Guys, we are going to give back to the town." Peter said proudly.

"Aw, doesn't that make you all warm and fuzzy inside?" Mick said.

"Actually, it makes me kind of horny." And David resumes kissing Mick.

"EWW!" Quagmire exclaimed upon seeing this and jumped out the window, landing on Joe below.

**CRASH!**

"Quagmire!! What the f**k?!" Joe screamed from down below.

"Sorry Joe…" Quagmire moaned in pain.

Peter, turned to the pair in bed, "Well we see you're busy, so we'll get out of your hair." And Cleveland and Peter left the room, seeing it was safer to take the elevator rather the window.

Once they were out of the room, a head popped out of the doorway of the bathroom nearby, "Are they gone yet?"

"Yes Keith they're gone." said Mick, watching Keith Richards making his way to the bed, "Now the party can really start."

* * *

At the Griffin's home everything was back to normal, the whole family was watching the news together,

"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker"

"And I'm Diane Simons, and I got my job back thanks to some local Quahog residents."

"Yes Dianne, four local men who suddenly came into money gave back to the town by giving it to people and business that needed it most, therefore ending the economic crisis."

"I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this, right Tom?"

"Indeed Diane, when a complete stranger gives you a wad of cash, doesn't ask questions; which is why this network is not going to investigate this matter any further."

"Amazing," said Peter, "Who knew money could buy happiness?"

"I still wish you would tell me where you got all that money." Lois asked.

"Oh Lois," Peter chuckled. "A magician never reveals his secrets."

"Doesn't anybody want to hear about my adventure?" Meg whined.

"No." said everyone else.

"But the real bonus is I had enough money left over to buy the most environmentally-friendly car the Japanese could make."

"Peter, you bought a new car?" Lois was excited. "Let's see it."

They went outside and Peter presented it with dramatic flourish, "Ta-da! A biodegradable car!" The car looked like a pile of leaves and sticks weaved together to look like a car, with soy-based glass windows.

Lois was a little disappointed, "Oh, this is, uh, nice. Can you actually drive it?"

"Sure, I'll show you." Peter was about to open the door of the car when suddenly it started to rain heavily and the car dissolved and washed out into the lawn. Then the rain stopped and the sun dried up the water and the lawn suddenly sprouted thicker and greener and bloomed flowers. "Damn it!"

Lois tried the comfort him, "Well, look on the bright side Peter, at least now we have a great lawn." And, as if on cue, a heard of deer stampeded onto the lawn, ate up all the grass and flowers and took off, leaving behind barren dirt

Disappointed, no car, and now no lawn, they all headed inside, not noticing the white owl (Jareth) on the windowsill.

The Owl then takes flight, off into the sky, beautiful and graceful…

…only to get sucked up into the engine of a passing plane. Thankfully this plane was being flown by Sully the hero pilot and the aircraft landed safely. And everyone lived happily ever after… except the owl of course.

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**AN**: I really hope you like this, please review and keep flames to a minimum. And one final note, I'm a huge fan of Bowie and the Rolling Stones :)


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